Igniting the Spark: Sex Therapy Exercises To Do At Home

Let’s face it, great sex is one of THE most sought-after aspects of a long-term relationship. Most couples, even happy ones, long to feel the “spark” of sexual passion often experienced in the throes of a new relationship.

The trouble is, most people subscribe to the idea that passion tends to fade over time. As a sex therapist and intimacy coach, I can confidently say that with a little effort, your sex life can be as fantastic, better even, than when you first met.

If you’re in a happy relationship but want to spice things up at home, I’ve got 5 exercises you can do right away that will help re-ignite passion in your love life!

1.      The 30 Second Embrace

The Science: Did you now that a 30 second hug can actually promote heart health, physically and emotionally? Research has found that embracing for 30 seconds or more lowers blood pressure, your heart rate, and the levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) in your body.

How to Do It:

• Set aside at least 30 seconds each day (longer if you can!) for a hug each day

• Try to do it at a time where you have limited other distractions (for example, trying this when you’re in the middle of cooking dinner and the kids are screaming is probably NOT the best way to relax with this exercise)

• Try to be present and take in the moment with one another- allow yourself to really feel the weight of your partner pressed against you.

Pro Tip: Add a spicy touch (hand on the butt) or switch it up for a 30 second kiss for an added challenge

2.      The Daily Acts Of Affection Exercise

The Science: Did you know everything that happens in the 24 hours before sex can influence how pleasurable your spicy time is? Many couples forget that passion needs to start well before the bedroom. Showing your partner affection on a daily basis is one of the best ways to create fondness with one another that will ultimately improve your intimacy.

How to Do It:

• Over the course of the week do at least one “love act” for the other person without telling them what it is.  You will each keep a journal (paper or even on your phone) where you record what you think the other person’s love act was each day (you can record more than one!)

• At the end of the week set aside 30 minutes to swap notes and discuss.  What love acts did you notice? Were there any that stuck out as particularly meaningful to you? Discuss how to felt to both give and notice affection.

• 
  

Pro Tip: Take the Love Languages Quiz to determine what type of affection you both lean towards.

3.      The Tease and Anticipation Challenge 

The Science: Anticipation is one of THE most powerful tools you can use in your sex box. Your nucleus accumbens, the pleasure-seeking part of our brains, releases dopamine during sex. It is the part of the brain that anticipates pleasure and motivates us to work towards rewards. By consistently stimulating this part of the brain, you can amplify excitement and deepen the overall experience.

How To Do It:

• Set a rule: No sex for seven days, but focus on flirting and teasing throughout the week.

• Send playful or seductive texts, flirt and compliment each other, be intentional about noticing them

• Engage in non-sexual physical intimacy—like cuddling, showering together, or caressing each other

• On Day 7, let the built-up tension naturally lead where it wants to go.

• 
  

Pro Tip: Keep this exercise fun and light-hearted. The goal is to build anticipation in a positive way, not put pressure on sex.

4.      Erotic Story Telling

The Science: Open communication and vulnerability are the keys to successfully feeling close as a couple. Sharing erotic thoughts in a nonjudgmental way helps normalize fantasies, build trust, and reduces anxiety around sexual desires. By putting the focus on storytelling rather than performing, you’re able to understand one another better in a non pressure environment.

How To Do It:

• Take some time over the course of a week to journal thoughts, ideas, even full stories, of sexual fantasies you crave.  The fantasies can encompass anything from how you would like to be treated by your partner prior to intimacy, to full on details about different scenarios, scenes, or acts you’d like to experience with your partner.

• Draw inspiration from books, movies, adult content (online literotica is a good place to start as well!).

• Set aside one night (or several) to discuss with your partner what fantasies you envisioned.  Ask questions, be open, and be curious about why your partner enjoys these particular fantasies.

• Remember, the point of this exercise is not necessarily to determine what fantasies you will act out; it’s about learning what turns your partner on to envision and be able to share that freely with one another!
  

Pro Tip: Remember, some fantasies are sexually explicit while others may be more about the overall experience of connecting emotionally. Don’t worry if you’re not into the swinging from the ceiling type of sex.  Conversely, if you’ve got a secret fetish for something a little more out there, that’s fine too! The point here is to be open with how you each desire sex. 

5.      Build and Burn

The Science: Couples tend to get hung up on racing towards orgasm as the goal of sex. Unfortunately, this often stimulates the performance aspects of our brain which can negatively impact your ability to experience pleasure during sex. I advise my couples to move away from intense focus on orgasm, and shift towards focusing on building pleasure and anticipation during intimacy. One of the best ways to do this is to focus on sensuality and touch during intimacy, which leads to more organic arousal for both partners.

How To Do It:

• During intimacy, take time to slow things down and really focus on how your partner is responding to touch and sensation. Linger for several minutes on the types of touch they enjoy, even if this is simply caressing them.

• Give one another verbal and non-verbal feedback during this time. Focus on positive encouragement (“that feels good” “it would feel really great if you…”) as opposed to negative feedback (“I don’t like that” “this isn’t working” etc…). Try to encourage each other with squeezes or verbal expression to indicate arousal.

• As your progress in intimacy, make the goal to linger for as long as you can at each “stage” before progressing on to the next. For example, try to kiss and caress one another until the tension has increased to the point of “needing” to go further.

• Keep building tension at each stage, and remember that sex does not have to be linear, you can go back to different stages to build even better anticipation (for example, you may start with kissing and eventually progress to oral sex, but remember you can return to kissing at any point instead of just moving to penetration).

  
  

Pro Tip: Build and burn does not always have to end in sex. Some couples even practice getting to different stages and refraining from penetration over the course of multiple days for a more heightened arousal response.

 In Conclusion:

So there you have it. My 5 go to exercises to help couples immediately start igniting the spark with one another. Remember, I delve deep into the science of arousal and desire in much more detail in my Sex & Intimacy Seminar, available online now. Get these and many other exercises that will help you transform your sex life today!