UNLOCKING PASSION: Ideas for intimacy from a sex coach
- bslater7
- Mar 18
- 6 min read
Updated: Apr 14
If you’ve found your way to this article, my guess is that you’re looking to spice up your love life with some hot tips and tricks while doing the dirty. Well I’m here to tell you that the BEST sex comes when your intimacy starts wayyy before you even get to the bedroom. Intimacy comes in many forms, not just physical. In this article I’m going to explain all the different types of intimacy, and why it’s crucial for couples to address each one in order to build a truly satisfying and passionate connection.
Types of Intimacy
In general, I tell my couples there are 4 pillars of intimacy: Emotional, physical, intellectual, and experiential. Most couples who want more passion in their relationship start by focusing on physical intimacy, but the opposite is actual true. Couples should start by making sure they are communicating effectively, feeling supported, and engaging with one another in order to generate that physical passion we all long for. When you work on building a solid relational connection, physical intimacy will organically follow. Let’s dive into the different types:
The definition of emotional intimacy is when a couple shares a connection based on trust, emotional vulnerability, and communication. Couples that have emotional intimacy are safe to share their deepest feelings, thoughts and desires with one another- this is why emotional intimacy is THE building block for good sex!
· Couples who have intellectual intimacy share an appreciation of one another’s viewpoints, ideas and ability to think critically with one another. Intellectual intimacy is slightly different from emotional intimacy in that intellectual intimacy stems from the sharing of ideas and willingness to challenge one another to grow intellectually. Stimulation of the mind is just as important as stimulation of the body when it comes to being intimate!
This is what I like to call the “fun” side of intimacy. Intimacy tends to be taken so seriously (for good reason) but experimental intimacy is where couples can find that playfulness with one another. Experiential intimacy is the connection that comes from sharing experiences, memories, and hobbies with one another. Being active and engaged with one another is a crucial part of maintaining passion with in a long term relationship.
·Last but not least, is physical intimacy. This is the type of connection when tend to think of with the word intimacy, but in reality, it is so much more than just sex. Physical intimacy is the closeness that comes from affection, sexual chemistry, and attraction to one another. Consider the delightful cherry on top of your relationship Sunday.
That's great, now what?
For those of you going “damn, I just thought I needed to work on one thing and now I have four?!” don’t fret. The different facets of intimacy are something you can easily weave into your everyday life with one another. Again, a little bit of effort towards the different types of intimacy will ultimately fuel sexual chemistry between the two of you. Let’s take a look at the different ideas for intimacy for each type…
Ideas For Intimacy
Active Listening: Active listening is more than just hearing your partner talk. It’s being engaged in what they’re saying, making eye contact, and asking questions. Active listening shows your partner you truly care about what they have to say, and is a way to let your partner know you are emotionally in tune with them
Check ins: Having consistent check ins with your partner is another way to show you care. Asking meaningful questions that show your partner you’re invested in their well being is a great way to build emotional intimacy. Questions like
“How is that project going at work?” (Ask follow up questions about work)
“How are you feeling overall, are there things you need to feel more supported, less stressed, etc..?”
“Is there anything you feel is going really well in your life right now? Are there things you’re struggling with you’d like to talk about?
How do you feel our life balance is? Is there anything you wish you had more time to do?”
These questions may seem a little deep, but regular check ins with your partner about their life and your relationship are a great way to create space for open and honest communication, and learn how you can support one another.
Shared experiences: Having open and honest communication about what’s going on in your lives right now is a great way to build intimacy with your partner. Couples that share their experiences, successes, and challenges with one another feel closer than couples who don’t. Talk about what you’re both facing at work, if you have kids- talk about what you love and also what stresses you out. Talk about outside family dynamics, friend relationships, and hobbies you have. Keep the door open for you both to experience life through one another’s eyes.
Intellectual
Questions Game: Nothing stimulates intellect like asking questions. I have my couples regularly pick one thought provoking question a week to discuss with one another. This can be anything from “what childhood memory brings you the most comfort?” to “What US policy would you change and why?”. Make it a habit to discuss at least one outside the box question a week to stimulate your curiosity and engage in friendly debate with one another. I’m such a big proponent of intellectual engagement that my Couples Connected seminar includes access to my list of 50 Date Night Questions- Essential for any Couple!
Intentional quality time: In order to stimulate intellect with one another you HAVE to make sure you have intentional quality time. Intentional quality time means you are focusing on just engaging with each other with limited or no distractions around you. While relaxing on the couch watching tv or scrolling on your phone can be a fun way to decompress, make sure you’re balancing it out with time spent engaged and talking to one another.
Read/ Listen together: Have a podcast you find super interesting? Or a book that really inspires you? Share it with your partner! Couples that bring their individual interests to one another can share in more thought-provoking conversations, and help you learn, not just more the world, but each other as well.
Recreate memories: Memories help cement feelings of love and attraction to one another. Things like re-creating your first date, visiting places that are special to you both, sharing songs that remind you of a time in your life, are all ways to capsize on the life you’ve share together so far, and will help bring you closer as a couple.
Do a hobby together: Couples that do hobbies together report much higher satisfaction than those that don’t share a common interest. A hobby can be as simple as going for a walk together everyday to a project or sport you are both into. Whatever it is, a mutual hobby will give you endless opportunities to share in passion with one another.
Adventure date activity: One of my FAVORITE exercises to give couples is the adventure date night activity. Once a month, one partner plans a complete date day or night. They are in charge of coordinating everything, from reservations, to babysitting- all the logistics. It doesn’t have to be expensive, it can be as simple as planning a picnic in the park together. The following month you switch and the other partner plans the date night. The goal is to try to find new and exciting activities (or recreate memories, like mentioned above) which will help bring you closer together.
Prioritize Affection: As a sex coach I constantly say affection is NOT something that should just happen during sex. Affection should be shown on AT LEAST a daily basis if not multiple times a day. Embrace one another, compliment another, and overall show interest, even if it’s just a few minutes a day.
Sensate focus: Sensate focus is a type of somatic sex therapy that focuses on experimenting with touch and sensation to enhance physical pleasure. It’s aimed at helping couples understand how their bodies respond to different types of touch and helping them to increase communication with one another.
Foreplay: Foreplay, foreplay, and more foreplay! Most of the couples I see aren’t doing HALF the amount of foreplay needed to really heighten arousal for good sex. Foreplay should be focused on building anticipation and pleasure with one another, not just rushing into sex. Oh, and remember, foreplay isn’t just physical- it’s everything that happens between a couple in the 24 hours before sex. So make sure you are putting in the work to create a connection beforehand!
Conclusion
There you have it, my relationship intimacy exercises that are guaranteed to build intimacy and fire up sexual chemistry between any couple. If you’re interested in a more in depth explanation behind the science of intimacy, as well as a more thorough step by step guide on the exercises above, check out my Couples Connected and Sex & Intimacy seminars!
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