Faking Orgasms: Why It's Bad For Your Relationship

Let’s be real, most of us have faked experiencing pleasure during sex at some point. Whether it’s to preserve someone’s feelings, a way to speed things up or end, or just plainly because you didn’t know what else to do, it was probably easier than just communicating “Hey, I’m not enjoying this.” It’s ok if you’ve felt the need to do this a handful of times for whatever reason, but if this has become a more consistent trend in your love life, then that’s a BIG PROBLEM.

Why you ask? Well, there are numerous reasons that could be affecting, not just your personal happiness, but your relationship as well. This article will explain why faking your orgasms isn’t as innocent a lie as you think, and what you can do to rectify it.

Reason #1: You’re focused on performing, not pleasure

Let’s dive into the science here a little. Faking pleasure diverts your brain’s attention to things like controlling your facial expressions, what sounds you’re making, the way you move your body, and a whole host of other task oriented objectives that require you to use the “Thinking part” of your brain (the prefrontal cortex). As such, this can have a negative impact on activating the parts necessary for feeling pleasure and sensations, the “Lizard Brain”(aka, your amygdala, hypothalamus, nucleus accumbens, anterior cingulate cortex, and insula).

Essentially faking your orgasms may actually be the thing that’s preventing you from having one during sex!

All this fancy science is a way of saying “You’re thinking too much.” Good sex requires you to feel, not overthink it.

How to fix it: Instead of focusing on what your partner thinks or how you might appear, shift your attention to what feels good. Focus on enjoying the sensations in your body, and allow yourself to fully experience the moment. If you’re stressed about starting this with a partner, try paying attention to it when your ahem on your own! More importantly, communicate with your partner about what you like and what works for you, which brings us to the next point.

Reason #2: Orgasm becomes the measure of sexual success

Faking an orgasm is problematic because it reinforces the idea that the “point” of sex is to achieve this ultimate end point. It puts unnecessary and frankly harmful pressure on a singular aspect of intimacy. Don’t get me wrong, having an orgasm is great, but so is an ice cream Sunday without a cherry on top.

I always ask my clients: “Why does something that lasts, at most, 60 seconds, determine the success or failure of an entire sexual experience?”

Sex can be so much more than just the big O. Sex should be the ultimate expression of pleasure, comfort, and vulnerability between two people (or more, whatever your kink is). When you shift your focus to building anticipation, sensation, and pleasure, the experience is much more rewarding than just rushing to get to orgasm. Not only that, but for the reasons I’ve just explained above, focusing less on orgasm is the thing that will most likely lead to organically having one!

How to fix it: Start by reallllly slowing things down in the bedroom. Make it a challenge to linger on pleasurable sensations as long as possible until your drive becomes so intense that you just can’t hold back from more. Take time to enjoy each stage, sensation, and moment of pleasure. If you take in the whole experience rather than rushing to the destination, the journey is going to a lot more pleasurable! And speaking of pleasure, here’s the last reason you shouldn’t fake your orgasms…

Reason #3: Faking an orgasm reinforces shitty sex

There’s no way around this one: Expressing you like something you don’t actually enjoy is just going to get you more of the same. Positive reinforcement is a powerful tool to successful intimacy, but like anything else with great power comes great responsibility. You want to encourage your partner to learn what works for YOU and YOUR body, not just employ some technique they think gets you off.

Caveat here: It’s true that some people have difficulty reaching orgasm, but can still find sex extremely pleasurable (again, see reason #2!) However, this is something you should be able to openly communicate to your partner. Focusing on how the intimacy feels is more important than needing to only express that through an orgasm

How to fix it: Have open, honest conversations with your partner about what you like and need in bed. Instead of faking pleasure, try guiding your partner towards what feels good to you—whether it’s through words, body language, or adjusting the experience together. Let your partner know if something isn’t working and share what could be better. This builds a more authentic sexual connection and helps improve intimacy in the long run.

In Conclusion

If you’ve been guilty of faking it, it’s time to be honest. You may have had good intentions of protecting a partner’s feelings or not making things awkward, but ultimately, you’re undermining your ability to connect with one another. You can correct this by:

1.       Focus on sensations, not on how you look or what your partner might think.

2.       Challenge the idea that orgasm is the only goal of sex and embrace the whole experience of intimacy.

3.       Communicate openly about what feels good and what doesn’t.

By shifting your focus to experience pleasure in its authentic forms, you’ll feel more satisfied and connected to your partner. A

s always, I go over this and many other topics in my Sex & Intimacy Seminar, available online here!