Ok by now we've all read the articles about spicing up your sex life for Valentine's Day. This usually involves some trite advice with suggestions to buy a new toy, or engage in sultry role play with one another. And while that's not necessarily bad advice, as your friendly neighborhood sex therapist I'm here to offer more than just a recommendation for a new vibrator.
Now here’s the tricky part. Spicing things up really depends on the dynamic between you and your partner. As in, people experience desire and arousal in all kinds of different ways. Some crave feeling sexually desired, yearning to be lusted after by their partner. Others prefer a more sensual approach, reveling in the anticipation that builds before passion ignites. And for some, a romantic connection can be just as erotic as a physical one. So, as you read through this article, consider what you want to convey to your partner this Valentine’s Day.
1. COME WITH A SURPRISE: Set an intention for each of you to plan at least one surprise element to your date, something that will get your partner to laugh, feel loved, be turned on, (or all of the above!) For example, if you’re going out to eat, order a bottle of champagne from your wedding year to be delivered to the table during dinner. Or maybe you surprise your partner by wearing a new pair of sexy underwear (even give them a sneak peak prior to going out!) Write a love note and slip it to them when they least expect it. The biggest take away here is that planning to SURPRISE one another will add an element of excitement to the evening; having something for both of you to look forward to from the other person creates a feeling of anticipation, which directly relates to increasing arousal and desire.
2. STIMULATING QUESTIONS: Questions that stimulate your brain and your body: In my opinion, emotional foreplay is one the most severely under-utilized tools for enhancing desire. It can be easy to fall into the pattern of having the same old conversation you do any other night, even on Valentine’s Day, so why not use the holiday as an excuse to get a little creative with your conversations? Here are just a few examples I like to use with my clients:
Romantic:
What do you love more about your partner than when you first met?
If you could re-live any day together again, what would it be and why?
What's something you love about your partner that you don't always express?
Sensual:
What's something not overtly sexual that turns you on about your partner?
What's something your partner does that makes you desire them?
If you were going to write a dating profile for your partner what would it say?
Sexual:
What's a fantasy you have (even if you wouldn't necessarily do it in real life) but have thought about?
If you could describe the perfect way for your partner to seduce you, how would they do it?
If you could have the perfect sexual experience with your partner, what would it be an why? (think: where would you go, what would your wear, what would you be doing, etc…)
3. HAVE SEX IN A DIFFERENT WAY: If variety is the spice of life, then it’s a no brainer that novelty in the bedroom is one of the best ways to spice up your sex life. I often have my couples do an exercise where they describe their sex “script”- as in, how does sex typically happen? Do you talk about intimacy prior to having it? How is it initiated? Do you start in the same way every time? What rooms/ where do you have sex? Do you change positions during sex? If your sex feels like it’s the same every time, consider changing up one if not all elements of your sex script. Initiate in a different way, have sex first and maybe then foreplay, play around with power dynamics with one another, the list can be endless. Point here is that changing the way you interact intimately takes sex from ordinary to exploratory, which ultimately helps you and your partner have more fun in the bedroom.
IN CONCLUSION, there are many ways you can spice up Valentine's Day (or really any special day for the matter!) by just thinking about what message you want to send to your partner. The emotions you want to invoke, and the sensations you hope to ignite between the two of you to elevate your intimacy. In essence, be dynamic in your approach to spicing things up. Pursue lust, love, and seduction in a way that shows you truly know what your partner would want. After all, the most fulfilling sexual experiences often stem from a deep understanding of each other's desires and the willingness to explore and adapt together.