Exhaustion, Love and Intimacy: How to revitalize a sexless marriage after baby

We all know babies come with change. Changes to your sleep, changes to your body, changes to the way you look at the world (who knew there were so many things to worry about- I never imagined I’d be freaking out over leaving a teddy bear in a crib!?) But one of the BIGGEST changes will be to your relationship- specifically, your sex life. 

Now, it’s for all those reasons I just listed above- lack of sleep, learning what feels good down there, and general anxiety over raising a newborn, that will wreak havoc on your sex life. The good news is this is TOTALLY NORMAL and almost all couples go through a dip in their ability to connect intimately after having a baby! The bad news is, some couples struggle to overcome feeling disconnected, simply because they haven’t received proper education and guidance on what to expect after their birth of their little one. Luckily SpeakTeasy is here to help you know WHY these changes happen, and HOW you can get back to enjoying snuggles with one another instead of with just your newborn:

WHAT TO EXPECT: The fourth trimester

Yup, you read that right- there’s a fourth trimester and we should all be talking a lot more about it! That’s because in the first 3-6 months after a baby there are still substantial changes going on in a women’s body.  Your hormones are trying to stabilize, organs are shifting back into place, and your body is recovering from one of the most major medical events a person can go through. This is pretty important because think about it this way:

“There is no other major medical event in a person’s life where they are expected to recover with less rest and more increased physical and mental strain than prior to the intervention”

So, with all this in mind, it’s important to know that the fourth trimester is a period of adjusting to a new normal on several physical and mental levels. Brain space is usually devoted to making sure your baby is thriving and you are surviving. Since sex typically falls below sleep, thirst, hunger and safety on the basic human needs list, it’s safe to say you may have little energy to put towards being intimate with your partner. Adjusting expectations to having a more realistic view of intimacy post baby ultimately helps couples lessen feelings of rejection and resentment when struggling to connect intimately.

THE 6 WEEK RULE: A common misconception

So why do most people think of the “6 week checkup” as the go or no go for sex? Well, at your 6-week appointment, your doctor will assess if your body is physically ready to tolerate sex. As in, sex won’t damage you to the point of experiencing serious harm. Being ready to enjoy sex is a whole other issue. Think about it this way: If you had knee surgery, at a follow up your doctor may clear you to resume normal activities of daily living. That doesn’t mean you’re going to be ready to go out and run a marathon the next day. Sex after a baby is the same way.

“It can be common to need a few months to a year of progressive build up for couples to resume intimacy levels they had prior to the birth of a child”

The range of readiness for sex after birth is extremely varied: some people are ready by the 6 weeks and others may not feel ready for almost a year after birth.  Even people who feel ready to jump back into sex after a few weeks often notice that it takes time to adjust to the changes their body has endured during pregnancy and delivery. Everyone’s journey is different, so I encourage all my couples to know that need to work up to sex is a completely normal and healthy way to reconnect after a baby. There are several ways to do this:

REVAMPING YOUR CONNECTION: Intimacy after a baby

Redefine Intimacy

Usually when we think of sex, our minds jump to one thing: The big “O”, and for a lot of hetero couples, this means penetrative sex. But defining the success of your intimacy by this alone is almost guaranteed to set you up for failure. It’s basically saying if you can’t do something 100%, the 99% leading up to it doesn’t count. Instead, try to define intimacy as moments of romantic, sensual, emotional AND sexual connection. Talk to your partner about what YOU feel intimacy is (if you need some help,

CLICK HERE to check out my article that defines the different types of intimacy and ways to enhance each one! )

Start With Small Daily Acts of Affection:

Going along with redefining intimacy, it’s important to start small and work your way up to more intense forms of connection. Once you and your partner have honed in on what type of intimacy is meaningful to you, try to reach out and connect at least once a day with a gesture that is meaningful to your partner. Some examples of this can include:

              Giving a long hug

              Taking a shower together

              Giving one another a massage

              Cuddling naked

              Giving compliments that encourage your partner

Have Open Communication:

I cannot stress how absolutely vital communication is to rebuilding intimacy after a baby. Most couples that struggle to connect intimately after a baby do so because there are underlying issues they’re not talking about. Issues like

• Feeling there are unmet expectations in support or responsibilities

• Experiencing bottled up stress, irritation or anxiety about the new demands of parenthood

• Lack of quality time or interaction between partners

• Differences in approach to caregiving, routines, safety, and general lifestyle

• General struggles with lack of sleep, self care time, and mood swings after birth

  
  

Setting aside a weekly check in to openly discuss, provide, and receive feedback from one another can be an excellent way to build connection after a baby. It gives you a structure forum to bring up issues that may otherwise go unnoticed, and helps lessen defensiveness around sensitive topics between couples. Couples that are open to providing as well as receiving feedback from their partner, are better equipped to engage in more collaboration with each other and, ultimately, experience better intimacy as a result.

Use The “Threshold” Technique:

“Threshold” refers to the point at which your brain is able to switch from feeling overwhelmed and exhausted to feeling turned on and excited. I tell my new moms think of your sex brain like a car. The gas is everything that tells our brains to have sex (I’m feeling attracted to my partner, I’m feeling confident, I’m anticipating being pleasured, etc..), while the brakes are everything telling our brains NOT to have sex (The baby is crying, the house is a mess, my mind is racing, etc…).

During the post partum period, it’s normal to feel like your brain is HIGHLY SENSATIVE to the BRAKES as opposed to the gas.  This doesn’t mean you’ve lost your sex drive, more like it’s buried underneath the mountain of other things you have on your mind!

So what this means is, you need to slowly decrease the sensitivity to the brakes, so that your body can start to feel like it’s ok to press on the gas. The “Threshold” technique essentially does this by helping you understand where that line is and progressing with intimacy in a way that doesn’t feel like you’re driving an out-of-control car. To do this:

1.       Take 30 minutes prior to intimacy to do a relaxing activity (bubblebath, meditate, journal, etc..)

2.       Start with gentle caressing with your partner. Notice how your body responds to touch, and which sensations feel good. The goal is to focus on first relaxing and then feeling pleasure.

3.       When a sensation moves from being relaxing to pleasurable, continue progressing with intimacy in a way that continues to feel positive. This may include kissing, touching inner thighs, neck etc, but not progressing to more intimate touch yet. Continue with this type of touch until you’re feeling aroused

4.       At this stage, assess if you are feeling content with intimacy thus far or are feeling comfortable enough to progress. Either way, the goal is to find where your “threshold” is for being able to relax during intimacy enough to feel pleasure.

5.       Be ok with stopping at any point during intimacy when it no longer becomes pleasurable. Especially after a baby it may take several attempts at intimacy to progress from one stage to the next. The goal should always be progress, not penetration!

Plan A Connection Night:

              I get it, having a baby is exhausting. Some couples may be desperate to get out of the house with one another and others can’t even fathom the thought of leaving their baby alone for a few hours. Either way, it’s important to try to set aside time where you and your partner can focus solely on connecting with each other. This can be on a traditional date or even at home, but either way try to set aside at least 1 hour a week where you and your partner are focused on connecting with each other. This means no screens, no distractions…just you and your partner talking, cuddling, playing or doing an activity together.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Don’t forget, you’re in this together! As much as having a baby can present challenges, remember that couples who successfully navigate difficulties together tend to feel an increased sense of love, connection, and intimacy. Life comes with seasons, and as much as your sex life may tack a backseat after baby, remember that these are temporary changes if you handle them with grace, understanding, support and love!

If you want more information on improving your sex life, check out my

Sex & Intimacy seminar, available online now!